I go to FSU and do film there. Which is cool and exciting and I love movies and really do want to make them and be involved with that, but sometimes I feel like by doing that I'm somehow doing something wrong. I hear about people going abroad and helping others, and my heart shrivels with guilt. Film at my school is a really good thing to be involved with, and if I do something crazy, like randomly decide to go study somewhere out in the real world I lose my place in the program. I've already started building a life in tallahassee, and to leave it now on this sort of whim would be a really impulsive decision on my part and I may regret it later.
The more I think about it, and think about my problems finding my place, the more I want to do it. Just become an expatriate and try to live with my fingers closer to the pulse of the world. On the other hand, a large part of the reason I feel this way is because of the usual feeling of displacement people feel when they first go to college. Sometimes I think these feelings are temporary, sometimes I think I'm seeing clearly.
Writing teachers throughout my life have always told me that I have a distinct voice and a strong sense of identity, and so did I till I got out here. I used to accept certain things about my life and not question the things that couldn't feasibly change. Now regardless of the subject, I question everything externally and internally. I fee disoriented, hung over from the chaotic mesh of drugs and philosophy that was highs school. Now that the road is clear I feel like I got bad directions. In high school it was all about how well you were on your way to doing what you want to do career and life-wise. It was about knowing it and holding it up to other as both a metal and a shield against the malice of others. I held film up as my shield to the cruelty of immature and pent up high school girls. Now that I don't need to have that sort of face anymore, I'm really starting to wonder whether I really want to be doing this right now.
The american lifestyle is such a blind state of existence. I want to feel like the fog has lifted for the first time in my life. I want to wake up and know that what I'm doing matters and that I exist for the benefit of someone besides myself.
Bottom line, I want to go look for myself. Going to FSU has done wonders for how I perceive my future to be, but now that I see the path I'm walking I'm not sure its such a direct route to happiness.
On the other hand, I haven't exactly been the best person who follows through with things. In the course of my childhood, I quit and join at least seven sports, theatre, violin, photography, drawing... lots of stuff. I don't want to add college, or something that really could be my passion in life to that quit list.
As hard as I try to be different I find myself just as cliche.