Friday, November 23, 2007

so it begins

Sometimes I think the people in high school were right about me. They thought I was kind of arrogant. It is just a little pretentious to start a blog and contend in my mind the people who's blogs I read will find any interest in my less than thrilling little life. When I think blogs that actually mean something, I think Army of Dude, Riverbend and people like that whose lives are in the now of the world. Their lives hang in the balance everyday, and despite my feelings about the Iraq war, Army of Dude does something. He saves lives and changes lives on a daily basis, regardless of the politics surrounding the war and whatnot, that you can't argue with. 

I go to FSU and do film there. Which is cool and exciting and I love movies and really do want to make them and be involved with that, but sometimes I feel like by doing that I'm somehow doing something wrong. I hear about people going abroad and helping others, and my heart shrivels with guilt. Film at my school is a really good thing to be involved with, and if I do something crazy, like randomly decide to go study somewhere out in the real world I lose my place in the program. I've already started building a life in tallahassee, and to leave it now on this sort of whim would be a really impulsive decision on my part and I may regret it later. 

The more I think about it, and think about my problems finding my place, the more I want to do it. Just become an expatriate and try to live with my fingers closer to the pulse of the world. On the other hand, a large part of the reason I feel this way is because of the usual feeling of displacement people feel when they first go to college. Sometimes I think these feelings are temporary, sometimes I think I'm seeing clearly. 
Writing teachers throughout my life have always told me that I have a distinct voice and a strong sense of identity, and so did I till I got out here. I used to accept certain things about my life and not question the things that couldn't feasibly change. Now regardless of the subject, I question everything externally and internally. I fee disoriented, hung over from the chaotic mesh of drugs and philosophy that was highs school.  Now that the road is clear I feel like I got bad directions. In high school it was all about how well you were on your way to doing what you want to do career and life-wise. It was about knowing it and holding it up to other as both a metal and a shield against the malice of others. I held film up as my shield to the cruelty of immature and pent up high school girls. Now that I don't need to have that sort of face anymore, I'm really starting to wonder whether I really want to be doing this right now.  
The american lifestyle is such a blind state of existence. I want to feel like the fog has lifted for the first time in my life. I want to wake up and know that what I'm doing matters and that I exist for the benefit of someone besides myself. 
Bottom line, I want to go look for myself. Going to FSU has done wonders for how I perceive my future to be, but now that I see the path I'm walking I'm not sure its such a direct route to happiness. 
On the other hand, I haven't exactly been the best person who follows through with things. In the course of my childhood, I quit and join at least seven sports, theatre, violin, photography, drawing... lots of stuff. I don't want to add college, or something that really could be my passion in life to that quit list. 
As hard as I try to be different I find myself just as cliche. 

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