Since I was small, I have tried to justify the existence of emotional pain. I used to believe that for every bad event that happened there was a good event I was earning by suffering. I believe it worked both way, should too much good be happening in my life, it was only a matter of time before I used it all up and had to pay for it again. As much as I have learned over the years and as much as I have seen, I still cannot convince myself that this pessimistic view of the world is false. How else would I coax myself through suffering if the pain I felt was for nothing? Yet in my happiness I became pained at the thought that this feeling would not last and I was only accruing points to suffer. I don't want to believe it, but the eight year old in me won't let me forget it.
On the way back from home, as I was driving back to school on that tedious and annoying eight hour road trip. I asked God (in my head) to alleviate my mother's sufferings. She'd had a rough week the week I was home for spring break, and I remember thinking, "please god, let me suffer instead." As if perhaps I could take on all the bad she might experience for a while and let her just have the good for a while. I think perhaps its coming to me now.
Since I've returned from school I have had little happen but disappointment and failure. My to do list is ten miles long and I have so little drive to move forward. I'm so racked with depression that I'm useless to myself. I want to crawl in a ball and cry myself to sleep until summer comes around and I can go home again... But I know that I can't.
On top of all this my teacher thinks I plagiarized (which I did not) and wants me to rewrite a paper I wrote in January and remember little about.
Ultra fest is ten days a way and rather than being excited all I can think about is my mom somehow finding out... I'm not afriad of getting in trouble, I'm just afriad of letting her down and making her more sad. But I need to roll. I need to. I need to feel happy, if only for a few hours.
I wish life didn't suck for me as much as it does now. But most of all I hope my twisted idea about karma is true and God is benevolent after all.
and he never will be
6 years ago