Here are a few of my favorites:
You Look a Lot Different VerticalSuit: Hey, Tom! Tom!
Tom: Hey there.
Suit: Nice to see you fully clothed for a change. (winks)
Tom (looks around, sees bystanders eavesdropping): Yeah, uh, (raises voice) See you at the gym, Dan. (turns around abruptly, hurries into building)
--53rd & 5th
She Pays Hobos by the Hour, to Reinforce Her Dictation
Conductor: Next stop, 81st Street, Museum of Natural History.
Mom to young son: Okay, sweetie, this is our stop for the museum.
Six-year-old boy: But mom, I wanna go to Central Park instead!
Hobo: Listen to your mother, boy! Go the museum. Git yerself some edjumicate... Edjcation...go learn something!
Six-year-old boy: Mommy, what did he say?
Mom: He said, "don't be fucking stupid." Let's go.
I Dig Chicks With MustachesRussian girl to hipster: What's wrong with your hair?
Hipster: I dunno, what's wrong with your face?
Russian girl: (silence)
Hipster: So, what's your name?
They Really Should Have RehearsedIntercom hijacker #1 playing rap music: All aboard, all aboard...
Intercom hijacker #2: I wanna give a shout-out to my nigga, Antoine...
Intercom hijacker #1: And my nigga Ruiz...
Conductor: If you do not get off this intercom, I will have you arrested at the next stop!
Intercom hijacker #1: Whatever, nigga. Y'all on this train can suck a dick.
Intercom hijacker #2: Y'all can die.
Intercom hijacker #1: Yeah. Y'all can die... on a dick.
Asian guy: So you really love chicken, huh?
Big white guy: Actually no, its not really healthy to eat a lot of meat.
Asian guy (looking confused): But you eat all those crazy amounts of skittles in your desk, right?
Big white guy: Yeah, but I don't have any cavities. I mean, I had some and got them filled, but I don't have any cavities right now.
Not the First Time He's Had to Clarify That TodayGuy: That motherfucking cop has driven past here twice in the last fifteen minutes.
Cop (on car's loudspeaker): I'm not a motherfucker.
University of Georgia
Whoever Cares the Least Wins the Fight
Woman (sarcastically): I'm sorry, I'm such a bitch.
Woman: You think I'm a bitch, don't you?
Man: I didn't say that.
Woman: You didn't disagree with me.
Man: You know yourself better than I do.
Woman: I can't believe you called me a bitch.
Man: I didn't call you a bitch, you called yourself a bitch.
Woman: But you didn't tell me I'm not a bitch.
Man: Because you're acting like a bitch.
Woman: See? You think I'm a bitch!
Man: I said you were acting like a bitch.
Woman: Whats the difference?
Man: Dustin Hoffman acted like a retard, but it doesn't mean he is one.
Woman: I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but you're a dick for thinking I'm a bitch.
Man: Do you mean I'm acting like a dick or I am a dick?
Woman: Fuck you! (storms out)
Man: Too easy. Caramel Macchiato please!
If I Show You a Boob, Will You Forget This Lecture Ever Happened?Moral and religious education teacher, describing opening scene of Gridiron Gang: So the movie opens, right, and you hear all these guns going off, and everyone's gangbanging everywhere...
Students: (silence, then loud raucous laughter)
Teacher: Oh, Jesus Christ... I mean they're shooting loads at each other... Oh god, no...
Centennial Regional High School
Although I Do Like the NightlifeQueer, when Bible-thumping lady splashes him with holy water: I'm a faggot, not a vampire. There's a difference.
San Luis Obispo Gay Pride Festival
San Francisco, California
Probably the Funniest Thing Ever Uttered in a Statistics Class
Indian professor with thick accent: Okay class. If I flip this coin 50 times, what is the probability that I get head?
Dude in the back: Man, I could flip a coin 100 times and I'm still not gettin' head.
(class bursts into hysterical laughter)
Indian professor: What? What did I say?
Statistics Class, George Washington University
But No One Who Speaks German Could Be a Mean Guy!
American guy: Could you stamp my passport, please? It's a hobby of mine.
Passport checker to coworker, in German: These damn Americans always want something. Look, they've all got booze and bags and t-shirts. Now they want stamps.
American girl: Sir, I'd like mine stamped, too.
Passport checker, in German: I bet that girl was here to fuck guys. American girls become sluts in Europe.
American girl: Sir, that's not very nice!
Passport checker, still in German: I hate it when they know German. Then we can't talk about them!